Lost at Sea

1:33 am

It’s late.. and at this very moment, I’m very calm and relaxed; but over the course of the day, I’ve just been letting my mind run through severe bouts of anxiety. Lol, I guess it’s only anxiety if I’m in a bad mood. But honestly, I just don’t know what to do with myself.. I do. But I don’t. Isn’t it so weird when you know the cold, raw truth of a situation, but you still feed into it? It kinda sucks. It just feels so natural, for me to love you—but trusting you feels foolish. I always get my hopes up when I’m with you.. But they can’t seem to remain so cheery when you’re away. I get this intuition… This strong intuition that something’s up. It doesn’t all feel right. The feelings are there, the connection is there, but the vibe is shaky.. It doesn’t feel true. Truthfully, I know what it is… but I just always end up catering to you. I feel like you have power over me. I feel like you have something against me… Why can’t I get through to you? Why don’t you listen to me? I cry and I plead, but for some reason, you just don’t budge. I’ve realized while typing this that I reveal all my insecurities.. I’ve realized that it isn’t you, it’s me. I’ve realized that I’m saying these words to myself, and all I’m doing is crying out for help. For some reason I want yours.. For some reason I need you. But it’s unfair of me, to put it all on you. I just need someone to listen, someone to dump this weight on.. But it’s just that I’m picky and I just hold on.. to you. You make me feel blue… but my heart skyrockets when I’m next to you. You act like you don’t care and you hide all these emotions; but I always know you feel like this too.. I mean, I suppose, it is what it is… But I just feel the need to fallback a bit. I can’t lie, it’s you; but it’s really me. I need to understand myself and demolish these insecurities. I know they’re not me, and I know that «eye» see.. but for some reason, I’m just blinded.

1:45 am

2 thoughts on “Lost at Sea

  1. For a long time I felt an uneasiness when i was around my daughters father. He possesses the confidence of a lion and this attracted me but as the years passed by I realised that what I thought was a strength and protection was actually a dark sense of self entitlement and control that he was better than everyone, including me. I admired his ability to feel no shame and to be bold to do all the things he wanted. I have not found that confidence yet, I have so much inside of me that I want to express but fear and some unknown force stops me. I allow different people to access me according to the individual trust of level I’ve given them. From my experience the hold and attraction to him was recognising a quality and trait in him that I admired. My insecurity grew from frustration in not knowing how to bring forth my own qualities that reflected the aspects of him that attracted me. What draws you to their spirit is maybe the intrigue that they open something in you that’s never been switched on. For you to have the insight and intuition that the situation isn’t whole says to me you have the greater perspective and rather than demonise yourself for being weaker and insecure because you seek their approval, I’d encourage you to see it as growth that you recognise something in them that you need. I don’t know how you unlock the part of you that hurts and feeds the insecurity as I’m still experiencing that transition/ growth.

    Like

    1. I feel that… Heavily. A nice case of empathy and narcissism – we invert each other. I think the key is to find the source of all your insecurities.. Most insecurities happen as childhood traumas, then impact us forever… It’s hard to realize that it’s rooted in childhood when we’re decades removed, but that is typically it… You have to heal your scars first, and then maybe the clinginess will lighten up. However, it sounds way easier than it is.. and it’s something I’ve been battling for so long now. We’ll see – best of luck to you ❤️

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s