10:44 am

Hello hello helloooooo. I’ve just woken up and I need to do something with my life, yes? What is it that I want to do? Go to the gym. HOWEVER, I’m soooo damn lazy. Not even lazy, I’m just a procrastinator! Truly, it’s one of my greatest downfalls. I am a professional procrastinator. Lately, I’ve been overcoming these bouts of laziness by doing things the second I think of them.. but when it’s stuff like going to the gym, it’s just like FUCK. Lmao. Who’s really trying to do this right now??? Lol. That’s why I like when people go with me.. They motivate me to continue and keep achieving.. I think I might get my brother to come…

You know what, though.. Deep down, I think I fear success. I think I fear achievement. I think I fear reaching my highest potential. Subconsciously, I don’t think I deserve it.. Sometimes, no. Oftentimes, I just don’t feel good enough.. I don’t feel worthy; so then I don’t work towards these things that I want because I’m in fear of really achieving them. It’s all a game of self-love… and to be honest, it’s not a game. I wonder, am I the only one with these obstacles? The only one who gets in the way of herself? I’ve come to realize that «eye» am my worst enemy. and «eye» must defeat that. 

Don’t fall victim to your ego.

6 thoughts on “Procrasti(nation)

  1. Light on the Path

    These rules are written for all disciples: Attend you to them.

    [1] Before the eyes can see, they must be incapable of tears. [2] Before the ear can hear, it must have lost its sensitiveness. [3] Before the voice can speak in the presence of the Masters it must have lost the power to wound. [4] Before the soul can stand in the presence of the Masters its feet must be washed in the blood of the heart.

    1. Kill out ambition.
    (a.) Work as those work who are ambitious.
    2. Kill out desire of life.
    (a.) Respect life as those do who desire it.
    3. Kill out desire of comfort.
    (a.) Be happy as those are who live for happiness.
    4. Seek in the heart the source of evil and expunge it. It lives fruitfully in the heart of the devoted disciple as well as in the heart of the woman of desire. Only the strong can kill it out. The weak must wait for its growth, its fruition, its death. And it is a plant that lives and increased throughout the ages. It flowers when the woman has accumulated unto herself innumerable existences. She who will enter upon the path of power must tear this thing out of this heart. And then the heart will bleed, and the whole life of the woman seem to be utterly dissolved. This ordeal must be endured: it may come at the first step of the perilous ladder which leads to the path of life: it may not come until the last. But, O disciple, remember that it has to be endured, and fasten the energies of your soul upon the task. Live neither in the present nor the future, but in the eternal. This giant weed cannot flower there: this blot upon existence is wiped out by the very atmosphere of eternal thought.
    5. Kill out all sense of separateness.
    (a.) Yet stand alone and isolated, because nothing that is embodied, nothing that is conscious of separation, nothing that is out of the eternal, can aid you.
    6. Kill out desire for sensation.
    (a.) Learn from sensation and observe it, because only so can you commence the science of self-knowledge, and plant your foot on the first step of the ladder.
    7. Kill out the hunger for growth.
    (a.) Grow as the flower grows, unconsciously, but eagerly anxious to open its soul to the air. So must you press forward to open your soul to the eternal. But it must be the eternal that draws forth your strength and beauty, not desire of growth. For in the one case you develop in the luxuriance of purity, in the other you harden by the forcible passion for personal stature.
    9. Desire only that which is within you.
    (a.) For within you is the light of the world — the only light that can be shed upon the Path. If you are unable to perceive it within you, it is useless to look for it elsewhere.
    10. Desire only that which is beyond you.
    (a.) It is beyond you; because when you reach it you have lost yourself.
    11. Desire only that which is unattainable.
    (a.) It is unattainable, because it for ever recedes. You will enter the light, but you will never touch the flame.
    13. Desire power ardently.
    (a.) And that power which the disciple shall covet is that which shall make her appear as nothing in the eyes of men.
    14. Desire peace fervently.
    (a.) The peace you shall desire is that sacred peace which nothing can disturb, and in which the soul grows as does the holy flower upon the still lagoons.
    15. Desire possessions above all.
    16. But those possessions must belong to the pure soul only, and be possessed therefore by all pure souls equally, and thus be the especial property of the whole only when united. Hunger for such possessions as can be held by the pure soul, that you may accumulate wealth for that united spirit of life which is your only true self.
    17. Seek out the way.
    (a.) Seek it not by any one road. To each temperament there is one road which seems the most desirable. But the way is not found by devotion alone, by religious contemplation alone, by ardent progress, by self-sacrificing labor, by studious observation of life. None alone can take the disciple more than one step onward. All steps are necessary to make up the ladder. The vices of women become steps in the ladder, one by one, as they are surmounted. The virtues of a woman are steps indeed, necessary — not by any means to be dispensed with. Yet, though they create a fair atmosphere and a happy future, they are useless if they stand alone. The whole nature of a woman must be used wisely by the one who desires to enter the way. Each woman is to herself absolutely the way, the truth, and the life. [“Each woman is her own absolute lawgiver, the dispenser of glory or gloom to herself; the decreer of her life, her reward, her punishment.” rephrased < Book II, Chapter VIII of The Idyll of the White Lotus]
    But she is only so when she grasps her whole individuality firmly, and, by the force of her awakened spiritual will, recognizes this individuality as not herself, but that thing which she has with pain created for her own use, and by means of which she purposes, as her growth slowly develops her intelligence, to reach to the life beyond individuality. When she knows that for this her wonderful complex separated life exists, then, indeed, and then only, she is upon the way.
    (b.) Steadily, as you watch and worship, its light will grow stronger. Then you may know you have found the beginning of the way. And when you have found the end its light will suddenly become the infinite light.
    18. Seek the way by retreating within.
    (a.) Seek it by plunging into the mysterious and glorious depths of your own inmost being.
    (b.) and seek it by making the profound obeisance of the soul to the dim star that burns within.
    19. Seek the way by advancing boldly without.
    (a.) Seek it by testing all experience, by utilizing the senses in order to understand the growth and meaning of individuality, and the beauty and obscurity of those other divine fragments which are struggling side by side with you, and form the race to which you belong. Seek it by study of the laws of being, the laws of nature, the laws of the supernatural:
    21. Look for the flower to bloom in the silence that follows the storm: not till then.
    (a.) It shall grow, it will shoot up, it will make branches and leaves and form buds, while the storm continues, while the battle lasts. But not till the whole personality of a woman is dissolved and melted — not until it is held by the divine fragment which has created it, as a mere subject for grave experiment and experience — not until the whole nature has yielded and become subject unto its higher self, can the bloom open. Then will come a calm such as comes in a tropical country after the heavy rain, when Nature works so swiftly that one may see her action. Such a calm will come to the harassed spirit. And in the deep silence the mysterious event will occur which will prove that the way has been found. Call it by what name you will, it is a voice that speaks where there is none to speak — it is a messenger that comes, a messenger without form or substance; or it is the flower of the soul that has opened. It cannot be described by any metaphor. But it can be felt after, looked for, and desired, even amid the raging of the storm. The silence may last a moment of time or it may last a thousand years. But it will end. Yet you will carry its strength with you. Again and again the battle must be fought and won. It is only for an interval that Nature can be still.

    These written above are the first of the rules which are written on the walls of the Hall of Learning. Those that ask shall have. Those that desire to read shall read. Those who desire to learn shall learn.

    Out of the silence that is peace a resonant voice shall arise. And this voice will say, It is not well; thou hast reaped, now thou must sow. And knowing this voice to be the silence itself thou wilt obey. Thou who art now a disciple, able to stand, able to hear, able to see, able to speak [these four, a reference to the four injunctions of the opening paragraphs of Part I], who hast conquered desire and attained to self-knowledge, who hast seen thy soul in its bloom and recognized it, and heard the voice of the silence, go thou to the Hall of Learning and read what is written there for thee.

    1. Stand aside in the coming battle, and though thou fightest be not thou the warrior.
    (a.) Obey her not as though she were a general, but as though she were thyself, and her spoken words were the utterance of thy secret desires; for she is thyself, yet infinitely wiser and stronger than thyself.
    2. Look for the warrior and let her fight in thee.
    (a.) Look for her, else in the fever and hurry of the fight thou mayest pass her; and she will not know thee unless thou knowest her. If thy cry meet her listening ear, then will she fight in thee and fill the dull void within. And if this is so, then canst thou go through the fight cool and unwearied, standing aside and letting her battle for thee.
    3. Take her orders for battle and obey them.
    (a.) Then it will be impossible for thee to strike one blow amiss. But if thou look not for her, if thou pass her by, then there is no safeguard for thee. Thy brain will reel, thy heart grow uncertain, and in the dust of the battlefield thy sight and senses will fail, and thou wilt not know thy friends from thy enemies.
    4. She is thyself, yet thou art but finite and liable to error. She is eternal and is sure. She is eternal truth. When once she has entered thee and become thy warrior, she will never utterly desert thee, and at the day of the great peace she will become one with thee.
    5. Listen to the song of life.
    (a.) You can stand upright now, firm as a rock amid the turmoil, obeying the warrior who is thyself and thy Queen. Unconcerned in the battle save to do her bidding, having no longer any care as to the result of the battle, for one thing only is important, that the warrior shall win, and you know she is incapable of defeat — standing thus, cool and awakened, use the hearing you have acquired by pain and by the destruction of pain. Only fragments of the great song come to your ears while yet you are but a woman.
    6. Store in your memory the melody you hear.
    (a.) But if you listen to it, remember it faithfully, so that none which has reached you is lost,
    7. Learn from it the lesson of harmony.
    (a.) and endeavor to learn from it the meaning of the mystery which surrounds you. In time you will need no teacher. For as the individual has voice, so has that in which the individual exists. Life itself has speech and is never silent. And its utterance is not, as you that are deaf may suppose, a cry: it is a song. Learn from it that you are part of the harmony; learn from it to obey the laws of the harmony.
    8. Regard earnestly all the life that surrounds you.
    (a.) Regard the constantly changing and moving life which surrounds you, for it is formed by the hearts of women; and as you learn to understand their constitution and meaning, you will by degrees be able to read the larger word of life.
    9. Learn to look intelligently into the hearts of men & women.
    (a.) Study the hearts of men & women, that you may know what is that world in which you live and of which you will to be a part.
    10. Regard most earnestly your own heart.
    11. For through your own heart comes the one light which can illuminate life and make it clear to your eyes.
    12. Speech comes only with knowledge. Attain to knowledge and you will attain to speech.
    13. Having obtained the use of the inner senses, having conquered the desires of the outer senses, having conquered the desires of the individual soul, and having obtained knowledge, prepare now, O disciple, to enter upon the way in reality. The path is found: make yourself ready to tread it.
    14. Inquire of the earth, the air, and the water, of the secrets they hold for you. The development of your inner senses will enable you to do this.
    15. Inquire of the holy ones of the earth of the secrets they hold for you. The conquering of the desires of the outer senses will give you the right to do this.
    16. Inquire of the inmost, the one, of its final secret which it holds for you through the ages.
    The great and difficult victory, the conquering of the desires of the individual soul, is a work of ages; therefore expect not to obtain its reward until ages of experience have been accumulated. When the time of learning this seventeenth rule is reached, she is on the threshold of becoming more than a woman.
    17. The knowledge which is now yours is only yours because your soul has become one with all pure souls and with the inmost. It is a trust vested in you by the Most High. Betray it, misuse your knowledge, or neglect it, and it is possible even now for you to fall from the high estate you have attained. Great ones fall back, even from the threshold, unable to sustain the weight of their responsibility, unable to pass on. Therefore look forward always with awe and trembling to this moment, and be prepared for the battle.
    18. It is written that for her who is on the threshold of divinity no law can be framed, no guide can exist. Yet to enlighten the disciple, the final struggle may be thus expressed: Hold fast to that which has neither substance nor existence.
    19. Listen only to the voice which is soundless.
    20. Look only on that which is invisible alike to the inner and the outer sense.

    Peace be with you.

    Numbered organization of text as indicated by the author, given on page 64 of the book rephrased (Part III) — “Before the voice can speak in the presence of the Masters”: “The numbered rules were simply an effort of mine to make the [unnumbered] ones more intelligible.”


      1. Spirituality has nothing to do with religious platforms. Learning to control your own intuitions & the eagerness to have materialistic items in life are meaningless to the one who can become her own entity, her own desire, her own power. You may already participate in meditating. But have you attempted to lose all faith & fear? All feelings both love & hate? All hope & desire? The wanting to eat & drink?

        Only then at that specific time do you have the ability to reach beyond any one else’s wisdom or lectures.

        Becoming your own Queen is a long road. But once accomplished your outlook on life, people & the world around you will be seen in a different light.


  2. Procrastination is one of those things that can make you stagnant and immobile. It is the one thing that can limit you getting your blessing. You know when people say” your in the right place at the right time”. How can you be in the right place at the right time procrastinating. Believe me I have been down that road. The one of the many lessons my mother taught me was to get up and get things done and start early so that if their are obstacles there is still time in the day to fix it and move on. People who procratinate generally are not lazy people they can be the most committed diligent people. But life seems to pass them by because they find ways that talk them out of actually doing the things they want to. Realizing this about yourself is the beginning of working on changing, easier said than done I know.


    1. Blessssss. Thank you. I feeeeeel that. I just let life pass me by sometimes.. Time is nothing to me, I just watch numbers. There is a grace in it, but in this physical realm, it manifests in laziness and insolence. Crazy lol.


  3. do you fear success cuz you know it’s a lot of hard work/energy put towards something you only half-want? or do you fear success bcuz you fear mass-judgment once successful? critics kill Beyonce yet her wins outnumber her losses 1000-1. you’re more impressive than you presume you are. you already won by being beautiful. so it’s not like you should feel pressure to excel, bcuz even if you fail, you’re still gorgeous. so, no matter what you fail at, you already succeeded in being beautiful. if you were ugly then you’d HAVE TO excel at something else, cuz e.g. if you were ugly and failed at singing you’d then be an UGGLY BAD singer. but if YOU fail at singing, you can still be gorgeous Selah (who people trick their ears to enjoy) bcuz of your pleasing appearance 🙂

    don’t fear success bcuz the world deserves your wisdom and will only get it if you succeed. if you fail, the world will be forever denied your powerful p.o.v.

    and if denied you, think of the evil voices earth won’t be denied. Society can either have you as a role model or the cash me outside girl lol she aint scared to win


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