Today.. I realized I don’t really know what love is. I’m clueless. I wouldn’t know love if you slapped me in the face with it. I’ve always gotten lost in my lusts and desires; unsure of where I was headed.. high off the heat of the moment.. until it stopped. Then I’d get bored and disappear. I guess I was trying to fill a void. I’ve always been terrified of my feelings. I’ve never known what they are and I’ve always feared getting hurt. I didn’t know how to show my feelings and I didn’t know how to express my love. And now, it all feels a little bit too late. I feel like I’m stuck in a time capsule, high off memories and lost in my dreams. But I feel safe up there… I feel safe in my mind.. living in my fantasies. They always felt real, but I guess they never were. As long as I can remember, I’ve felt like an outsider.. and I’ve felt like the underdog. I’ve locked myself in Pandora’s Box.. full of all my demons. Sometimes I can’t tell the difference. I thought I loved you when I just wanted to satisfy my desires.. how selfish of me.
The truth is, though, I do love you. and that scares me.